Risk Averse, What Are We Giving Up?

Being risk adverse is often seen as a cowardly way of dealing with life. Perhaps it turns into a list of pros and cons, and then later a list of rules in which to live by. Feeling as though things need to be measured in order to avoid error can become a source of neuroticism. Leaving making a decision especially and unplanned one may cause disruption in life. 

There are three different emotional states that can influence decision making: Your current emotional state (i.e. How do you feel while you are making a decision?) Your past emotional state (i.e. How did you feel anticipating your decision?) Your future emotional state (i.e. How will your decision affect how you feel in the future; What effect will the decision have on your emotional well-being?). This can drive someone to not make a decision at all, or once they make one, continue to remake the same decision so the results are expected. 

Bringing me to my point about how fear can lead to feeling a strong need to be in control, and stay in control in each circumstance that you can. This can often lead to issues like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, and overall poor mental health. 

Which brings me back to the question "What are we giving up?" when we deeply want control, to avoid risk, to have nothing unplanned?  Off the top, happiness, the willingness to be flexible, cooperative with others, freedom to make a mistake, failing forward, and so many other positive things that can bring more peace.

Yet, those that are risk averse won't allow themselves to experience these things due to the fear of not being in control is so overwhelming. 

Here are some things to practice to be less risk averse/controlling:

1. Practice trusting yourself

2. If you make a mistake, remember you are doing the best you can

3. Remind yourself the world won't fall apart when you let go of control

4. Allow others to help you manage things/help you

5. Try something different the next time a decision needs to be made

Eating Disorders Do Not Discriminate

Community Outreach with Raise Up Against Addiction 5k

Community Outreach is apart of Stephanie Konter Counseling, LLC goals. So we've teamed up with Shatterproof to raise money for Raise Up Against Addiction, to help push their mission of celebrating recovery and discuss how stigma limits access to treatment. Here are some facts about substance use:

1. Substance Use charges the brain, which can make drug use compulsive

2. Positive communication and behavior skills are more effective than punishment

3. Long-term use also causes changes in other brain chemical systems and circuits as well, affecting functions that include:

• learning
• judgment
• decision-making
• stress
• memory
• behavior

4. Three things contribute to substance abuse: environment, biology and development. Having nothing to do with the persons morals, will-power, or being a bad person.

5. The statistics are alarming: 

• Over 20 million Americans over the age of 12 have an addiction (excluding tobacco).
• 100 people die every day from drug overdoses. This rate has tripled in the past 20 years.
• Over 5 million emergency room visits in 2011 were drug related.
• 2.6 million people with addictions have a dependence on both alcohol and illicit drugs.
• 9.4 million people in 2011 reported driving under the influence of illicit drugs.
• 6.8 million people with an addiction have a mental illness.
• Rates of illicit drug use is highest among those aged 18 to 25.
• Over 90% of those with an addiction began drinking, smoking or using illicit drugs before the age of 18.   (information found at addictioncenter.com)

For these reasons and many more Stephanie Konter Counseling will be promoting therapy, wellness, and contribute to the stigma against addiction on July 21st at Great Lawn Park, 101 North Yosemite St., Denver, CO 80230 at 8am, please come out to join us!

Donate to my fundraising page to Raise Up Against Addiction, our goal is $250, so lets make it happen everyone! 

Communicating To Your Parents/Children

At times communicating to a peer can be difficult because they may not be as passionate about the topic or understand the emotions or even see your point of view. Often times the relationships a peer however are not always permanent as they are with your parents, you typically have one set of biological parents, or a different amount or configuration of parents. The point is, is typically the amount of parents a person has is limited so communicating, relating, understanding, managing your relationship with them can be seen as more valuable. 

As one can imagine this is not always rainbows and butterflies, perhaps the relationship is distant, rejecting, enmeshed, controlling, unfulfilling, or other uncomfortable dynamics. How to identify these relationships as dysfunctional is equally important to healing from  and/or changing them.

The distant relationship- I this arrangement both the child and the parent can remain civil, however their is little to no sharing of ideas or feelings. They maintain a business like arrangement where they agree to spoken or unspoken rules in the relationship and don't interfere or offer emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- apathy, uncomfortable with own and other peoples emotions

The rejecting relationship- In this arrangement one person in the relationship has made a decision to keep the other person at an arms length even though the other person wants to be close. There may be name calling, ridicule, neglect, or overall abandonment towards one of the individuals. 

Underlying emotions/thoughts- fear, pain, insecurity, I'm not good enough, and unworthy of love

The enmeshed relationship- In this arrangement one or both of the people in the relationship forces closeness, creating a dynamic where at least one person does not feel like they can do anything without the persons involvement. Typically the person forcing the closeness is insecure and lonely and feels that the need the other person for constant emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- please don't leave me, guilt, shame, insecurity and I cannot do this on my own

The controlling relationship- In this arrangement one of the individuals tries to be complete control of the other person. Making sure that they won't make decisions on their own, creating self-doubt in the non-dominate person. The person in control tends to believe that if they let the other person make a choice that everything will fall a part, and remain highly anxious.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- I know best, anger, anxiety, I'm not able to do this, and uncertainty

These are the 4 primary types of relationships I see in my practice (the underlying feelings and thoughts can be had by either party in the relationship), if you can identity with having these types of relationship with your parent or your son or daughter perhaps its time to schedule an appointment and/or make some changes. 

Taking over: Your Summer, Your Life. Guide to Letting Go of Expectations and Enjoying Yourself

While summer can be so bright and happy for many, it may also have other tasks or mindsets associated with it, such as; time to take a vacation, time to reorganize my life so winter will be less stress, time to go outside in less covering clothes, time to have more fun, time when the kids are at home, etc. With all of that may come stress about finances, anxiety/anticipation to figure things out, body shame, time management stress and possibly other feelings about keeping up with the Jones'. 

When we have exactions for ourselves and for others we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed at times, and acknowledging that as an inevitable situation is key. The question than comes then to, what is reasonable to anticipate or expect, perhaps its that we are doing the best we can, and so are other people. The pressure to afford a huge summer family vacation or sign our kids up for activities or get our bodies in the best summer shape or reorganize our life during "downtime from school" can have angles or edges that don't feel so great. Perhaps it feels overwhelming, anxious from anticipation, or full of guilt and shame.

Of course Mindfulness is always a go-to, just sit with your emotions and let yourself experience them without holding too much attachment to your thoughts and the situations that present themselves. Practicing this can help you separate yourself from the thoughts, feeling and behaviors, while taking ownership for them. However that can feel perhaps a little too contained or intellectualized for some people. Also, its unrealistic for us to do that all the time, and we may find ourselves judging ourselves from falling away from that practice. Its bound to happen, taking a non-judgmental stance to both yourself, and the world around you can be incredibly beneficial as you radically accept the here and now for exactly what it is. Because we are creatures of habits, and we will become overly emotional and unwound at times, let that happen from time to time. Lets face it, we can't be perfect, and we will find ourselves landing left or right of center.

Let your children make mistakes, let yourself and your partner make mistakes. If you fall short of making that magical vacation happen, or slim down to that certain size, or don't prepare yourself for going back to school in exactly the way you wanted to,  or all the other summer goals you've created, thats okay. Enjoying your time, and your space each day is what makes a life worth living.